And so I wander....

Not sure where this month has gone or the past few weeks.  Well, not totally true.  I have in a sense been a recluse within myself.  Falling into the realm of worry about work and losing my job, into the valley of loneliness and into the darkness of self pity.  All in all in a funk I could not move beyond.  I admit I wasn't sure i wanted to leave it or actually had the inner energy to move beyond it. There was a sense of both security and insecurity there.

 I have spent much psychic energy toss questions over and over in my head.  I wanted to write about the struggle but never could move myself to do so.  I think it was because that would mean facing a reality I was not ready to accept or maybe because I could not "see" the other side it was easier to stay where I was.  All in all I am not sure what locked me in...the battle of not liking my mood and the contradiction of not wanting to move beyond. Buying more books to get the key out only to let them sit in the endless piles of -- yes I need to read that too.

 Understand the time has had many highs and lows but there was more of a grayness.  I guess it was a time of paradox.  Layoffs at work and I spent way to much worry energy that it would affect me...playing over every possible outcome.  There was the loneliness of needing to know where I stood in the lives of the people that matter to me..my recurring wonder of "do I really matter."  Playing over in my head and heart the hurts I have caused by my choices. This seems at times to be a recurring theme.

Ever know you should..know you can and you just sit there??? Drives me crazy but where I am at times.

And so I am here again -- my stream of flowing consciousness -- a sense of spiritual rambling...to sum it up I am in a blah realm -- the good and the bad all flow into the same sphere of existence.  Desires are there and strong at times but the grayness wins over a movement to the LIGHT.  Others that are hurting come to me as "father confessor" and to be their comfort and ear -- never allowing myself to let on that I was suffering from a similar set of feelings. I never mind helping -- glad they trust me...BUT...I could never do that for some reason, let them know I was also hurting -- To paint the full picture, to write the lyrics of my song, my over sensitivity and self pity often has won out over the past weeks.  No I am not a disaster just on a plateau of nothingness at times.

The rambling of this entry is where I sit in my head, heart and soul -- a creative energy at work waxes and wanes and my spiritual life is full of no movement and emptiness -- it is as if I am writing/creating a pencil sketch and do not know how to put the colors and texture into the picture. Like the grayness of the world in winter -- struggling to let the sun in or transforming the dull of the winter earth into a beautiful white design.

And so dear LIGHT draw me in -- illuminate me -- do not draw me in but grab me and shake me into the reality of hope. Rattle my excuses -- ok give me a spiritual kick in the ass...tear up the list of my excuses -- remove that security blanket -- give me the energy and grace. Answer me!

Caught my eye -- Monday's meditation

Nothing is every static, all things are in motion.  It is the motion of life that makes us all we can be.  It is accepting the series of changes that builds us up, makes us complete, becomes the wonderful picture of our lives.  The key is to flow with the changes -- move with them and not worry about them.  The static person dies both inside and out...the person that allows the change to freely flow moves to TRUTH and LIGHT.

And so it is Sunday night...

Not sure where the week has gone not to mention the weekend.  The week ended with me slipping on black ice in the parking lot in my building on the way to work.  Needless to say it still hurts.  Going from a standing position to hitting your tailbone, back and head is not very comfortable. Guess I am getting old.

Yesterday brought with it a melancholy mood and resulted in my re-organizing and re-arranging my room creating more of a me space and a "new" spiritual place. Funny how our moods can serve as a stimulant to change that we do not even know we need. The peace energy is already being felt, and now I just need to release and act on the moment and not do my usual planning approach.  I realize I have enough versions of the Bible and enough reflective books and other good reads that Barnes and Nobel and Amazon are not going to see Bob for awhile...we will see how long it lasts.

At church tonight the entrance hymn was one of my favorite -- The Summons.  It certainly came at the right time and the whisper of the spirit was felt as a tingling and warm hug as we sang it. Hard to explain but there was the answer(s) to question I quandary over all too often. I put it here for your reflection as well.

Lyrics

1. Will you come and follow me

If I but call your name?

Will you go where you don’t know

And never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown,

Will you let my name be known,

Will you let my life be grown

In you and you in me?

2. Will you leave yourself behind

If I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind

And never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare

Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer pray’r

In you and you in me?

3. Will you let the blinded see

If I but call your name?

Will you set the pris’ners free

And never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean,

And do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean

In you and you in me?

4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide

If I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside

And never be the same?

Will you use the faith you’ve found

To reshape the world around,

Through my sight and touch and sound

In you and you in me?

5. Lord, your summons echoes true

When you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you

And never be the same.

In your company I’ll go

Where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I’ll move and live and grow

In you and you in me.

This song is so powerful.  In each verse we are asked by the LIGHT, by Jesus, if we are willing to let go of self to follow and serve him. No, it is not a call to we but a call to Bob.  The call to move into the heart of the divine, and to lay there in peace and tranquility. And then with the comfort, strength and grace found in the bosom of the LIGHT we can move to help others. In the first reading tonight it was the call of Samuel who did not understand it was the voice of God calling until he surrendered and said yes. The gospel is about the call of the first disciples and the change pf Simon, son of John, having his name changed to Peter.  This song has always filled me with joy and an urge to change. It is like the warm hug I so often need and long for.  It is a challenge but also placed within the grace of being able to respond to needs within and around us. 

It reminded me tonight of Pope Francis' homily yesterday to the youth of the Philippines to surrender their mind, their heart and their hands to those in need.. He challenged everyone to not just act and think they are helping but extend your hand and take that of those you help and be open to what they give you -- move beyond the gift you think you give them to admit your own vulnerability and receive the gift and grace they give to us.

And so I accept the call to follow the LIGHT, the Lord, the Divine energy -- not by some set of laws and precepts, not by some pre-established set of rules, but by an openness to the call.  My hope, my goal, my journey is:

Lord, your summons echoes true

When you but call my name.

The key to spiritual growth and happiness...

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Sunday reflection...

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

--St. Francis of Assisi

I found this quote today and it really made me think...how often I focus on what I think is necessary but in the end is it really necessary.  Or rather are they things I want to do to avoid other things, are they things that I place in the category of necessary only to avoid the things that I really should focus on. I have thought that the necessary are those things that have a certain level of obligation attached to them.  They are things that bring good and comfort to others...they are the things that call to use to utilize our energy.  The necessary are those things that make us happy and complete but in evaluating what makes them necessary what level of existence are they -- physical, mental or physical. There in lies the essence of the evaluative.  We should be focusing on those things that add to our spirit and move us closer to the LIGHT.  Yet, in reality for me those are often the things that fall into the category -- Oh yea I will get to that -- or I do lots of planning and never really acting. The necessary are those things we cannot avoid or maybe better said those things we should not avoid because in the end their reward has a much deeper meaning or level of satisfaction.  The necessary are those elements of obligations that will make us a better person and also are towards assisting others...they cannot be avoided.  When they are there is an angst within for not acting.

The possible -- what falls in that category -- not to be too philosophical but the possible are those elements of our life which are not so much easy to do but those things that move us to a higher level of existence.  They are those things where we take the risk and approach the unknown.  They are possible when we give up our fear.  The possible things are those elements that whisper --it is ok, you can do this. If we are honest with ourselves the possible things are those things that we deeply know within our core that we can do -- the things that if we let go of the safety-net we can conquer them.  

If you consider the life of St Francis we see that once he stopped living for himself, and living for and with the divine, those things that were possible took on a totally different framework.  They were no longer the things that he had long talks with himself why he could not do them, or why they were not meant for him.  They were not the things that brought inner and emotional/spiritual pain. The move to the LIGHT gave him a new energy and trust -- in essence this move gave him a new happiness and a new vision of his call.  This is what I feel he is saying here in this passage. As the scripture today says --

Pay attention, come to me;

listen, and your soul will live.

It is when we trust -- when we let go of the human limits that the impossible things become the routine and become those things that make us complete and paint the picture of who we are -- there is a new freedom. It is this freedom that brings truth and peace of mind -- the completion we each long for.

And so I began with a quote in this reflection and give you another to consider -

Our strength..our way...our grace

O, how often I look at a weakness or when something bad happens as "what did I do wrong," or "why me."  I dwell on the hurt and the ill that is caused.  I focused on my level of frustration with the set of events rather than looking at how can I use this to grow.  My way of dealing with such things has always been to panic or to delve into a deep depression of anxiety.

This passage made me think or maybe realize that God is always there.  He is the LIGHT and is a source of strength.  If I would only let go of control, not to have to be perfect and always right and fall into the arm of God I would have a refreshing newness and comfort.  Why is it that I have always turned to the worry stage rather than to the grace stage.  Grace is always there and we have a great storehouse within.  It is a set of seedlings withing us that we only have to tap as as source of strength and comfort.  Grace is a gift that is freely given, and thereby we must freely receive it and use it as a source of growth and comfort.  These two passages from scripture for this weeks liturgy say it all:

Oh, come to the water all you who are thirsty;

though you have no money, come!

Seek the Lord while he is still to be found,

call to him while he is still near.

Here in lies the truth of this above quote -- that our strength -- the thirst we have for peace when we are hurting and feel lost is found in the arms and the comfort of the LIGHT.  The love of the divine becomes fully shown when we accept our weakness and hurt and let the void be filled.  WE do not, or maybe better, I do not have to be perfect and be all.  It is OK for me to to be weak, it is OK for me to need the help of others but most important that of the LIGHT. I have always had this Irish Catholic guilt, that whispers in my ear -- what did you do wrong, why did you do that, why didn't you...

I am slowly coming to the realization that this journey called life is full of up and downs and it is our call to respond to the moments.  To respond not by someone else road-map bu by our own vision.  The essence of being to to live for your inner call and be true to your picture that you paint every day. 

I now realize that by not being in control  and allowing the divine presence to serve as a guide and to call me to say yes to the grace within.  It is the opportunity to fall freely into the unknown -- and in that act of free falling to find the true self I am desiring to form within.

The struggle we all have to be real...

Oh how easy our life would be if we could each take the risk

 to be true to ourselves and what we feel is right.

O how perfect to let the love of another fill us and make us whole.

The beauty to be ourselves and not the stuffed person we fell others want us to be. 

Not to live by fear.

It is when we give into love and forget the what we should be and start being ourselves, 

free from the wants of others desires.

We then become all we are to be and ultimately we become real.

Never to fall back into the mask we lived behind before.

We now are the full expression of self and the LIGHT.

Take the risk and become REAL.