I have spent much psychic energy toss questions over and over in my head. I wanted to write about the struggle but never could move myself to do so. I think it was because that would mean facing a reality I was not ready to accept or maybe because I could not "see" the other side it was easier to stay where I was. All in all I am not sure what locked me in...the battle of not liking my mood and the contradiction of not wanting to move beyond. Buying more books to get the key out only to let them sit in the endless piles of -- yes I need to read that too.
Understand the time has had many highs and lows but there was more of a grayness. I guess it was a time of paradox. Layoffs at work and I spent way to much worry energy that it would affect me...playing over every possible outcome. There was the loneliness of needing to know where I stood in the lives of the people that matter to me..my recurring wonder of "do I really matter." Playing over in my head and heart the hurts I have caused by my choices. This seems at times to be a recurring theme.
Ever know you should..know you can and you just sit there??? Drives me crazy but where I am at times.
And so I am here again -- my stream of flowing consciousness -- a sense of spiritual rambling...to sum it up I am in a blah realm -- the good and the bad all flow into the same sphere of existence. Desires are there and strong at times but the grayness wins over a movement to the LIGHT. Others that are hurting come to me as "father confessor" and to be their comfort and ear -- never allowing myself to let on that I was suffering from a similar set of feelings. I never mind helping -- glad they trust me...BUT...I could never do that for some reason, let them know I was also hurting -- To paint the full picture, to write the lyrics of my song, my over sensitivity and self pity often has won out over the past weeks. No I am not a disaster just on a plateau of nothingness at times.
The rambling of this entry is where I sit in my head, heart and soul -- a creative energy at work waxes and wanes and my spiritual life is full of no movement and emptiness -- it is as if I am writing/creating a pencil sketch and do not know how to put the colors and texture into the picture. Like the grayness of the world in winter -- struggling to let the sun in or transforming the dull of the winter earth into a beautiful white design.
And so dear LIGHT draw me in -- illuminate me -- do not draw me in but grab me and shake me into the reality of hope. Rattle my excuses -- ok give me a spiritual kick in the ass...tear up the list of my excuses -- remove that security blanket -- give me the energy and grace. Answer me!