Monday, February 9, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
It has been a busy week in many aspects -- and i am in a struggle to get better organized with work projects. There is certainly more on my plate and I have created and committed to a new range of projects. Partially as they have been assigned and partially because I felt that I had fallen into a rut and questioned my own value at at work. I know my philosophy is that all that matters is how you view or feel about what you do but there was a nudge from a source outside of myself encouraging me to take on more and be more creative. This nudge was not from a person but was an inner energy that moved me on to new platforms. Ans so the "need for a "to Do" list is also a part of what I am trying to do -- I realize that the obligations floating in my head are not the way to meet deadlines and get things done in an organized way. ALso the post-it notes approach does not work either. Thus I go towards a new level of organization. The new projects and challenges are exactly what I need, and will give me added opportunities to venture into not routine topics and projects. I always strive on newness and creativity and doing things different, the unexpected. I remember when I taught at SLU students that took my classes always commented on that is not the way you taught this last semester-- you are using new books and there are new assignments -- and that is what made me successful. Not in the eyes of students alone but in my own eyes and that is where it all falls...it is being true to your own self and acting in a way that allows you to proudly looking at yourself and knowing the inner voice is what leads you and brings you peace.
On the personal side there has been many inner movements, urging me to reconsider where I put my time and energy. And so the quandary continues...Do I matter to others or do I just fit into their schedule -- the query of deeply mattering to another/others... not just the familiar but rather the ultimate fulfillment of one another -- the excitement that cannot be expressed...the knowing that one is always there for you and you for them...it becomes unpressed by words and when it is there you do not have to wonder -- there is an inner knowing.
A close friend of mine, not actually a soulmate on a special level, posted this earlier this week on FB. And it made me stand back and think deeper about where I feel most comfortable. I am most comfortable when I take those silent moments and listen to the voice of the LIGHT, the voice of the universe. If I turn the "BOB" off and allow myself to hear then there is the constant draw to a higher level of completion. It is not so much my plan that matters but it is the surrender to a higher plan. This does not take away my freedom or ability to choose. Rather it gives me the gentle nudge and whisper to consider things with a new eye or a new vision. It is hard to explain but there is the struggle to let go and at the same time the peace that comes when I walk the path of the LIGHT. It is when I surrender me, or maybe the me I think I should be into the me that has has a higher guidance calling me to fulfillment...it is the transcendence to a level of peace. It is that warm hug that brings me comfort -- knowing that I am where I belong on this earthly journey. Not so much an earthly journey as it is to the highest level of spiritual peace and fulfillment. It is the continuous movement to both the known and the unknown -- it is the journey of challenging yourself and not being comfortable with just being but rather more comfortable with a full existence.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
My ranting earlier this week about worry and feeling down served as a stimulus to reboot myself and my energy. The week ended with a huge boost of creativity and I got several projects done. Moved into a different realm of approaching what was on my plate, personally, work, and spiritually. I owned the end of the week and am very proud of what I produced. Took the opportunity for a newness and higher level of making material relevant to the end user. New inner spirit for myself -- stopped thinking about the negative and approached the level of possibility and happiness -- I got the best of movement towards the LIGHT instead of letting darkness be in control. There was that feel good sense within -- I was able to move to a different level of thinking -- not thinking about but rather thinking with the world energy.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I have spent much psychic energy toss questions over and over in my head. I wanted to write about the struggle but never could move myself to do so. I think it was because that would mean facing a reality I was not ready to accept or maybe because I could not "see" the other side it was easier to stay where I was. All in all I am not sure what locked me in...the battle of not liking my mood and the contradiction of not wanting to move beyond. Buying more books to get the key out only to let them sit in the endless piles of -- yes I need to read that too.
Understand the time has had many highs and lows but there was more of a grayness. I guess it was a time of paradox. Layoffs at work and I spent way to much worry energy that it would affect me...playing over every possible outcome. There was the loneliness of needing to know where I stood in the lives of the people that matter to me..my recurring wonder of "do I really matter." Playing over in my head and heart the hurts I have caused by my choices. This seems at times to be a recurring theme.
Ever know you should..know you can and you just sit there??? Drives me crazy but where I am at times.
And so I am here again -- my stream of flowing consciousness -- a sense of spiritual rambling...to sum it up I am in a blah realm -- the good and the bad all flow into the same sphere of existence. Desires are there and strong at times but the grayness wins over a movement to the LIGHT. Others that are hurting come to me as "father confessor" and to be their comfort and ear -- never allowing myself to let on that I was suffering from a similar set of feelings. I never mind helping -- glad they trust me...BUT...I could never do that for some reason, let them know I was also hurting -- To paint the full picture, to write the lyrics of my song, my over sensitivity and self pity often has won out over the past weeks. No I am not a disaster just on a plateau of nothingness at times.
The rambling of this entry is where I sit in my head, heart and soul -- a creative energy at work waxes and wanes and my spiritual life is full of no movement and emptiness -- it is as if I am writing/creating a pencil sketch and do not know how to put the colors and texture into the picture. Like the grayness of the world in winter -- struggling to let the sun in or transforming the dull of the winter earth into a beautiful white design.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Nothing is every static, all things are in motion. It is the motion of life that makes us all we can be. It is accepting the series of changes that builds us up, makes us complete, becomes the wonderful picture of our lives. The key is to flow with the changes -- move with them and not worry about them. The static person dies both inside and out...the person that allows the change to freely flow moves to TRUTH and LIGHT.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Yesterday brought with it a melancholy mood and resulted in my re-organizing and re-arranging my room creating more of a me space and a "new" spiritual place. Funny how our moods can serve as a stimulant to change that we do not even know we need. The peace energy is already being felt, and now I just need to release and act on the moment and not do my usual planning approach. I realize I have enough versions of the Bible and enough reflective books and other good reads that Barnes and Nobel and Amazon are not going to see Bob for awhile...we will see how long it lasts.
At church tonight the entrance hymn was one of my favorite -- The Summons. It certainly came at the right time and the whisper of the spirit was felt as a tingling and warm hug as we sang it. Hard to explain but there was the answer(s) to question I quandary over all too often. I put it here for your reflection as well.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
Hard to get through the week and still have time to reflect and write it down...lots of reflection and self-talking but still was a rambling of ideas. I must admit that I have begun to change my routine by not watching tv to chill at night but rather to listen to music and use my chromebook...which I am now very much addicted to. This "new" approach has been beneficial and when I do not make the time I feel a loss and hole within. So I feel that I am getting more on the focused path to tranquility and some level of inner peace. Today I picked up a new book by Brene Brown -- The Gifts of Imperfection and another Merton book or two :). Again the age old Bob issue -- don't just buy the books, read them... and read the ones you have --- my book syndrome or maybe better put as a addiction.
Throughout this week I still have experienced that longing, that draw towards a more inner or spiritual space. The draw and urge towards the LIGHT... the quiet urge, and yes the divine whisper within.
Another week has come and gone,
and despite the challenges I encountered,
my faith never wavered in you.
Thank you for holding my hand each day,
for placing your arm around me,
and walking with me through the joys and sorrows.
Help me to have a good night's sleep
that I may joyfully greet the dawn of a new day.
In Jesus name.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I have been out of sorts all day. There has been something nagging at me on the inside. A level of stress and wonder and in a sense, a fear. Of course part I can explain from the coming of winter snow and ice and hating to drive in it. Worried about trying to get to and from work -- frantically trying to get winter tires to no avail as if that would solve the problem...in my mind at least it does. The only luck is an appointment tomorrow on the way home from work -- an expense I really do not want but my VW beetle hates the snow and ice so I feel this will help. We will see, one can only hope.
Basically, with all the above just feeling blah and lonely today -- maybe that is the root of all other things. Tired of being alone at times...the gray day does not help my mood either...rambling...
And so the Christmas Season, in the Catholic tradition, comes to an end today with the celebration of the feast of Epiphany -- the three wise men bringing gifts to the Christ child. I know it is usually January 6th, but it is celebrated today. I wonder what gift do I have to bring. My fear of driving with the ice has kept me home from church...I know a lame excuse. But was that the real reason... The Lord has certainly blessed me and given me may gifts during the health crisis of 2014, the least I could do I to bring something and freely give to Him during this holy time. I certainly have been lifted up so often over the last several months. But... Is it fear again or being lazy that holds me back -- the constant act of pondering and planning and not acting rises within again. Rather than giving a gift I feel as if I am asking for one. Ahhh but the gift I can give is to trust in the power of the LIGHT and to walk ever closer to it. Not when I want, not because it is the thing to do but rather because it is what I need and that is the draw I have been feeling. The draw, the pull to let go and to trust. My gift is the risk, the Yes, the falling into the LIGHT.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
I have planned to start my blog again all too long; there is always some excuse...no longer can I white-wash the need and desire.
And as 2015 begins I wonder what it will bring. What unexpected events, what challenges, what happiness and how life will unfold. In April of 2014 my entire like changed when i suffered a mild stroke -- it was certainly an awakening in many ways and made me rethink life and my choices...to say the least I no longer eat the way I now have awareness of medical conditions I must monitor and take medications for. I am certainly a healthier person in the physical and at times in the spiritual and emotional. Since April I have gone from 247 lbs to 167lbs.
My goal for 2015 is to get the same hold on the later two aspects as I have on the physical. I make some progress in these two areas but then seem to fall back into old ways. The key is regular acts and determination. It is to act out of desire and not out of fear and obligation. That is how I have made the necessary physical changes. I start on the great path and then get lazy or create excuses. I cannot continue that way, I need the rebirth I have experienced physically within my emotional and spiritual awareness. I bought a stepper to continue with the physical changes...and I guess all the books I buy are my steppers to a better emotional and spiritual life...problem is i do not always have the disciplines to act.
Ok self stop making the excuses and rambling just start to do it...rearranging stuff and moving books around is not reading and not growing. Pick up the books and spiritual texts and start...not tomorrow but today. Do not do this because it is a new year, you know how good you are with resolutions, do it because you want to and ultimately need to. I often make MGM productions of things and never really make it happen. I commit to me to change -- stop the TV watching and utilize my inner self to grow. I have felt a nudge, no more like a magnetic pull in that direction for sometime...I need to surrender and see where it will take me.
O sing to the LORD a new song,
for he has done marvelous things!
His right hand and his holy arm have gotten him victory.
All the ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God.
Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth;
break forth into joyous song and sing praises!
Sing praises to the LORD with the lyre,
with the lyre and the sound of melody!
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
make a joyful noise before the King, the LORD!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year! Here are some New Year thoughts from Louise Hay:
Today, we welcome a New Year into our lives. This is a good time for us to see what is to be released, what is to be kept and improved, and what is to be brought in.
Take time to ask and explore these simple questions:
What shall I now release from my life?
What or who no longer works for me?
What am I holding on to that holds me back?
What thoughts or beliefs belong to the old me?
How am I being unloving to myself?
Am I ready to let go?
What do I believe that really works for me?
What is going on in my life that is terrific and wonderful?
Where am I being very loving to myself?
Where am I most content?
Let me acknowledge myself for all the growth and change.
What do I want to bring to my life?
What do I want to create?
How do I want the next year to be?
Who do I want to bring into my world?
How do I want to look?
What image do I want to project?
How healthy do I want to be?
How prosperous do I want to feel?
How much love am I willing to experience?
What kind of world do I want to live in?
Where do I want my spirituality to go?
I know that where I am is the totality of possibilities . . . not just a few possibilities, but the totality of all creation.
I am not limited by statistics, medical opinions, time, or authorities.
I am one with the infinite wisdom and capabilities of the Universe itself.
All good is available to me, right here and right now.
All I have to do is to use the power of my thoughts to create that which I desire. I know that. Now let me live it!