Sunday, January 4, 2015

This is Epiphany -- can I accept the call...

I have been out of sorts all day.  There has been something nagging at me on the inside.  A level of stress and wonder and in a sense, a fear.  Of course part I can explain from the coming of winter snow and ice and hating to drive in it.  Worried about trying to get to and from work -- frantically trying to get winter tires to no avail as if that would solve the my mind at least it does.  The only luck is an appointment tomorrow on the way home from work -- an expense I really do not want but my VW beetle hates the snow and ice so I feel this will help.  We will see, one can only hope.

But what is this uneasy feeling within, worry about work, worry about changes and possible layoff.  I think that is present within and I can only hope and pray It will not happen to me. I will see, I bring value but is it enough -- who will decide.  I hate how I let things eat at me inside -- how worry just takes hold and runs wild within me.  I have always been this way, sometimes are worse than others.  I just wish I could have enough faith and trust.  Yet, they are words not built into my being right now.  I do not feel that comfort feeling of inner peace right now.  I just wish it would be there within, maybe it is and I do not have the courage to take the risk to let it take hold.  WIll see what tomorrow brings -- I just need to recommit to be my best and do my best and go above and beyond what is expected. Not plan to do the best but to make it happen, every day and moment.  Not because of others but because I want it and need it.

Basically, with all the above just feeling blah and lonely today -- maybe that is the root of all other things.  Tired of being alone at times...the gray day does not help my mood either...rambling...

And so the Christmas Season, in the Catholic tradition, comes to an end today with the celebration of the feast of Epiphany -- the three wise men bringing gifts to the Christ child. I know it is usually January 6th, but it is celebrated today. I wonder what gift do I have to bring. My fear of driving with the ice has kept me home from church...I know a lame excuse. But was that the real reason... The Lord has certainly blessed me and given me may gifts during the health crisis of 2014, the least I could do I to bring something and freely give to Him during this holy time. I certainly have been lifted up so often over the last several months.  But... Is it fear again or being lazy that holds me back -- the constant act of pondering and planning and not acting rises within again.  Rather than giving a gift I feel as if I am asking for one.  Ahhh but the gift I can give is to trust in the power of the LIGHT and to walk ever closer to it.  Not when I want, not because it is the thing to do but rather because it is what I need and that is the draw I have been feeling.  The draw, the pull to let go and to trust. My gift is the risk, the Yes, the falling into the LIGHT.

O Child of the Light
You have come to set us free
You have come not to ask 
But to give

I feel you calling and pulling

Gently inviting me to change
Saying that it is time to live
Not for me but for you

How can I let go, will I

Is that the gift that I can give
Oh child of the LIGHT
I long for an inner peace

The Holy Ones have all found

Found the way to say YES
Where was their strength
Where was the key, the trust

Oh child of the LIGHT

Bathe me in your brilliance
Warm me in love and peace
Can I really let go

I feel as if I am split in being

Walking on two sides of the LIGHT
Ready to say Yes, but can't
Falling back into the fear

I long to grasp the unknown

To live not in me but the LIGHT
Oh how can one risk
Oh how can I risk, say yes

Why the fear, the holding back

It has always been like this
How can I fall into the peace
Let me fall into the LIGHT

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